I ain't havin' none of your bullshit today

I'm just going to say this up front, I'm going to end up swearing A LOT because I am in a rage.

Once upon a time there was a bitch. Let's call this bitch Sally. Because why not! Sally was friends with me for many years, until, suddenly, she realized that she really wanted a boyfriend. So what does she do? Destroy friendships in a weak and desperate attempt to kidnap the guy friends that I know and enjoy being friends with in order to force them into an unhealthy relationship which is distinctly Degrassi-like.

Flawless plan, right?

But she forgot one crucial detail..

BITCH I AIN'T HAVIN' NONE OF YOUR MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT.
IT'S NOT FUCKING HAPPENING. HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ME? YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT I CANNOT AND WILL NOT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYBODY. So why on Earth would I take it from you?

Oh yeah, I forgot! The mother fucking universe revolves around your little mother fucking head, doesn't it? So OBVIOUSLY I'm just going to conform to the fact that you're trying to ruin my friendships in an attempt to gain a person of the opposite sex that in your mind will just be around to buy you shit and tell you that you're pretty all day long.

HA.

Purposely not invite me to a movie night so that it can be just you, the other bitch we'll call Tina, and the boys? Then call me and ask me to send my closest and oldest friend, who we'll call Beth, who is standing right there with her phone that works up to your house just to make it even more clear that you don't want me there?

Awesome. Yeah. I'm sure you had fun when she yelled "FUCK NO" into the phone and then invited me over to her house where we spent the evening watching Phantom of the Opera and ate food with her bad ass mom, epic grandparents, and our older sisters.

Don't invite me and two other friends to go dress shopping with you for fall formal? But invite Beth when you know that she's hanging out with us? I'm sure it felt great when it backfired when she said "Sorry, I'm going to be spending the day with my friends." and hung up the phone.

Oh, but ladies and gentlemen, it get's better... Ohhhh yes it does...

This morning. This very fucking morning, in first period, Tina and Sally are complaining to my very very quiet friend, whom we'll call Laura, about how Beth and I were being completely unreasonable and bitchy over the weekend.

Suddenly, Laura stands up, her face completely red, and shouts, "SALLY YOU FUCKING BITCH. WHAT YOU DID TO BRIDGET WAS THE BITCHIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN YOU DONE. YOU MARCH YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER TO THAT GIRL AND YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME?"

God I love that girl..

Laura, you kick major ass, and I love you.

However, your efforts were sadly in vain..

Sally did not apologize. Instead, this happened.

I was at my locker, putting my stuff away, with my huge backpack on and my arms full of stuff, when I was tackled. My stuff flew all over the hallway, I was on the floor, and all I could hear was a shrill nasally shouting "BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" over and over again.
When I finally stood up and gathered everything together again and recovered from my heart attack, I saw Sally standing in front of me with this huge fake puppy dog pout and sad eyes.

She began to weave a basket of lies to hold all the bullshit that was spewing from her mouth.

"Obviously if I was talking about it while you were around, you were invited!"
"you clearly just weren't paying enough attention!"
"I don't get why you're so pissed, I called Beth first but she didn't answer the phoneee!"
(Which is a complete lie, by the way, she most certainly did not do that. We were standing next to each other when she called me. There is no missed call from Sally on Beth's phone. There is no record of her trying to call.)
"You should've comee! I wanted you there.."

There she was. Desperately trying to win. Trying to get me to make a scene. Trying to get me to leave so that she'd have one less girl to compete with for affection from the guys.

I smiled and said, "Sally, bud, if you want me to do something or go somewhere with you, you need to INVITE me."

She looked stunned, but then giggled, and then put on a sad face and sighed.

"Okay.. Here's the thing.. I didn't invite you because... well.. I didn't want you to have to sit on the floor by yourself when we were watching the movie!"




What.


The.


FUCK.



Considering she has the biggest house out of all of us, no. Considering it was 6 or 7 people there in total, no. Considering WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE THE ONE ON THE FLOOR ANYWAYS? Considering you just completely destroyed every lie you just worked on with an even shittier lie... No.

Just, no.



-

Bridget's words of wisdom for today:

If you're going to lie to someone, stick to your fucking story!


-Bridget