Who has bad teeth and can't tell right from left? MY GYM TEACHER!

Allow me to set the scene. A class of twelve 15-16 year olds are sat in the center circle of their high school gymnasium after the floors have been smoothed and polished for the upcoming basketball season. A large, cranky, old woman with a mouth full of rotten teeth and a heart that only softens when it comes to boys' varsity sports, looms over the students. She hands them each a blank piece of lined paper.

She instructs them to write their names on the top line.

Each student writes his or her name on the top left of the paper on the line.

She then tells them to write the date in the top right corner of the paper.

Each student writes the date in the corner opposite their name.

And then,

Without warning,

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

She begins to scream at the students,

'ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?! YOU ARE ALL SOPHOMORES IN HIGH SCHOOL!! YOU WROTE THE DATE ON THE LEFT!!!'

We politely and calmly tried to tell her she was wrong, but she wouldn't listen. She screamed and screamed, her face growing more and more red with frustration.

Realizing the stupidity of the argument was too great for any of them to handle, the students 'fixed' their papers and spent the rest of class mocking her loudly.

'HEY, WHAT SIDE IF THE GYM ARE YOU ON?' 'WHICH WAY DO I TURN?' 'AM I RIGHT HANDED OR LEFT HANDED??' 'HOW DO I DIRECTION...' 'IM CONFUSED ARE WE ON THE EAST OR THE WEST COAST?' 'DOES THIS MEAN DOWN IS UP??'

-
Yeah. High school. Sometimes it's the students who are dumb, sometimes it's the teachers.

Deep question for tonight,

What's the difference between right and left?

A single girl's guide to breaking up!

I've never had a boyfriend, girlfriend, or any form of romantic relationship. But apparently I know more about them than some those who have.

I mean, I've also never had a pet turtle, but that doesn't mean I don't know about turtles. I like turtles.

Due to resent events in the future stand up comedy routine that is my life, I'm going to give you a few do's and don'ts when it comes to terminating relationships. This is a guide for terminating healthy, mostly high school and college dating relationships in which one person becomes unhappy and wants it to end. This does not apply to abusive or long distance relationships, marriages, friends with benefits, douche bags, idiots, or turtles. So let's get started, shall we?

Do's:

• Explain the situation your partner in a manner which is not offensive. 
• Be face to face with this person. Body language is key.
• Listen to your partner's side of things.
• Be open to getting help if the relationship is salvageable. 

And now for my favorite part, the don'ts. 

DON'T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE WHAT SO EVER:

• Offend your partner.
• Blame your partner.
• LAUGH at your partner.
• Leave you partner alone while he/she is crying.
• Make fun of your partner for becoming emotional
• Do it over a text or phone call. Again, body language is key..
• Do it in a large group of people.
• Do it during school.
• Do it between classes.
• Do it after a relative of theirs dies. 
• Do it while one or both of you are drunk/high.
• Do it during or after sex. 
• Immediately hit on one of their friends or relatives. 
• Use someone else as an excuse, especially when the person you're using rejected you almost seven months ago and for god's sake DOES NOT WANT YOU.
• Immediately ask what the homework was.
• Ask if their brother/sister is seeing anyone.
• Flirt with random strangers during the breaking up process. 
• Do it before they have a massive test. 

And most importantly, if the person you're breaking up with is a very good friend of mine..

don't you dare pull any of this shit in front of me. 

-

Bridget's deep question for today:

Are relationships these days actually about love? Or about status?

My first trip to the principal.

So I've noticed a bit of a trend.. People seem to really enjoy my posts where I'm telling someone off. It's cool and all and the adrenalin rush is amazing but I wasn't always quite that vicious.. Well, verbally anyway.
However, there was this one time back in first grade, if I remember correctly, where I got in trouble for not smiling. You probably think I'm making this up, but I swear this actually happened!

Once upon a time there lived a very weird, "emotionally illiterate" little girl named Bridget. She did not like one of the assisting duty teachers that worked in the cafeteria. She always thought that she made this fact very clear to the duty teacher, considering Bridget growled at the duty teacher whenever she walked by or tried to talk to her. Not talking about a little noise of displeasure, I'm talking about a full on rabid animal snarl of hatred and death. (Yeah the story format was fun but I'm just going to switch over now.. Sorry.)

One day at lunch I was calmly sat there with my little lunch box eating a sandwich minding my own little first grade business, when the duty teacher I hated came up to me. Now, I've got nothing against a person's appearance, it does not effect my feelings towards anyone, but this woman was so badly fake tanned with the craziest, obviously bleached hair I've ever seen. She had disgustingly long fake nails that freaked me out, and she was called BARBIE. And she walks up to me and says,

"Hello Bridget! You don't look very happy! Why aren't you smiling?"

"...Because I'm not and I don't want too?"

"Why aren't you happy? Little girls are supposed to be happy! Smile!"

"I hate school. I don't want to smile."

"Why not? Little girls are supposed to smile ALL THE TIME!!"

"I don't want to smile."

"Smile!"

"I. Don't. Want to."

"Bridget, smile right now."

"I said NO!" I shouted. Out of frustration I punched my lunchbox.

She looked pissed. Really pissed. WICKED PISSED.

"Stand up. Right now."

"Why?"

"Because you're going to the office!"

"But why?? I didn't do anything!" I started crying. Everyone was staring at me, I was embarrassed, upset, and overwhelmed. I had never gotten in trouble before.

"Pack up your things, let's go!" She yelled.

I packed up the rest of my lunch, and stood up.

"Well? Start walking!"

Suddenly hit with a new wave of confidence, I shouted "No! I didn't do anything wrong! Leave me alone!"

My confidence left again once that mean lady with the long, fake fingernails grabbed my wrist and started to drag me out of the cafeteria into the hallway. She let me go, and I tried to run away. She grabbed me again as I kicked, screamed, and cried all the way into the principal's office.

Now, the principal at the elementary school at this point knew my mother and I very well. I never got into trouble but she knew about some of my issues. She and my mom were more or less friends. When Barbie dragged me in there I was terrified. I had heard about other kids who got sent to the office, their parents were called and got mad at them. I was so scared that my parents were going to kill me I probably looked like a hot mess. When Barbie told the story of what happened, the principal smiled. She sent me outside her office so I could sit in one of the really big comfy chairs outside and finish my lunch. I could hear the principal laughing at Barbie and sending her away. She then called my mom, the one thing I was terrified of the most, and also started laughing while telling the story. At that moment I was mad that everyone was laughing at the humiliating and horrible day I was having, but looking back I completely understand. That lady was batshit crazy. Trying to tell me to smile.. Bitch, please.

-

Bridget's words of wisdom for today (THIS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE):

This little girl doesn't smile all the time. You know what she does do? She does think you're a fucking idiot.

If everyone is a leader, who's going to follow them? [Part 1]

I mentioned this phrase in a previous post, but I feel as though I should at least briefly try explain what I mean.

There's a rather interesting way of thinking that has become very prominent over the past few years. This way of thinking has changed how children's sports are scored, how competitions for young people are organized, and a large part of American schools and business. This way of thinking is that everyone is special. Everyone is a winner. There is no loser. Everyone is the same. Sounds like a wonderful point of view, right? Everyone is equal. A dream come true, right? Considering how many dystopian novels have been written about exactly this way of thinking, it doesn't really seem like the best idea to me.

Harrison Bergeron by Kurt Vonnegut, for example, is a novel about a dystopian society where people who are smarter, more talented, prettier, or stronger, are given handicaps in order to make them equal to everyone else. Ever heard of The Mercy Rule in today's children's sports? It's when one team is beating the other so badly that they just end the game to keep from upsetting the children and their parents. Sounds like a handicap to me.

The Mercy Rule also brings parents into the equation. Of course every parent loves their children. Of course they think they're special. But if you tell a little kid that he's Superman, and keep telling him that he's Superman for his entire life, he's going to grow up thinking that he's Superman. What ever happened to rewarding accomplishment? If you give every single kid a trophy so no one feels left out, they're not going to try has hard. No matter what they do they'll get a gold star because they "tried". Failure is the motivation to improve oneself, to do better at whatever they've failed. Some kids need a good kick in the face from my dear friend Mr. Failure.


-

Bridget's words of wisdom for today is actually a quote.

"When everyone's super, no one will be.." - Syndrome, The Incredibles.

Bow before the relationship goddess!

How is it that a little girl can be diagnosed as "emotionally illiterate" for years and then suddenly at the glorious age of fifteen become 'the relationship goddess'?

The answer?
The 'emotionally illiterate' girl observes and listen to people complain about their shitty relationships, and tell people to do the exact opposite of whatever the shitty couple is doing. Then, take the stuff that works for the good couple and use it on the shitty couple. In return, the 'emotionally illiterate' girl learns about emotions and relationships and all that bullshit so she can attempt to keep up the ruse of being human. BEHOLD. A symbiotic, logical, relationship advice translation. Everybody's happy! For the most part.. There are a couple of exceptions. These exceptions are, but not limited to, people who are immensely stupid. 

I'm not talking about ditsy people who occasionally say something dumb but are generally fine OH NO.

I'm talking about people who say shit like "wait.. sooo... Iraq is in the US, right?" and "Waaaaait.. I get Arkansas and Scotland confused... Cuz likeee, if you're from Arkanas.. you're, like.. Irish, righttt?" which forces your entire HONORS ENGLISH class to take a basic geography quiz...

'murica frick yea!

It's people like this that make me the overly sarcastic bitch I am on a daily basis.

Snark is our last line of defense against the stupid..

Sarcastic people know what I'm talking about.

You know.

But I digress..

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that your 'boyfriend' is upset with you because you flirt with other guys right in front of him, refuse to be alone with him, never talk to him unless forced to, avoid going on any date whatsoever, and tell your friends, who are also his friends, about how you couldn't possibly tell your parents or 'overly protective' big brother because they'll be so mad at you..

Trust me. If a diagnosed 'emotionally illiterate' girl can figure it out by herself, there is something seriously wrong with you. But then again, you probably already know and are just playing dumb and innocent in a weak attempt to avoid facing the consequences of you being an insufferable harlot.


-

Bridget's WORD of wisdom for today:  Stop.

-Bridget

I ain't havin' none of your bullshit today

I'm just going to say this up front, I'm going to end up swearing A LOT because I am in a rage.

Once upon a time there was a bitch. Let's call this bitch Sally. Because why not! Sally was friends with me for many years, until, suddenly, she realized that she really wanted a boyfriend. So what does she do? Destroy friendships in a weak and desperate attempt to kidnap the guy friends that I know and enjoy being friends with in order to force them into an unhealthy relationship which is distinctly Degrassi-like.

Flawless plan, right?

But she forgot one crucial detail..

BITCH I AIN'T HAVIN' NONE OF YOUR MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT.
IT'S NOT FUCKING HAPPENING. HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ME? YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT I CANNOT AND WILL NOT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYBODY. So why on Earth would I take it from you?

Oh yeah, I forgot! The mother fucking universe revolves around your little mother fucking head, doesn't it? So OBVIOUSLY I'm just going to conform to the fact that you're trying to ruin my friendships in an attempt to gain a person of the opposite sex that in your mind will just be around to buy you shit and tell you that you're pretty all day long.

HA.

Purposely not invite me to a movie night so that it can be just you, the other bitch we'll call Tina, and the boys? Then call me and ask me to send my closest and oldest friend, who we'll call Beth, who is standing right there with her phone that works up to your house just to make it even more clear that you don't want me there?

Awesome. Yeah. I'm sure you had fun when she yelled "FUCK NO" into the phone and then invited me over to her house where we spent the evening watching Phantom of the Opera and ate food with her bad ass mom, epic grandparents, and our older sisters.

Don't invite me and two other friends to go dress shopping with you for fall formal? But invite Beth when you know that she's hanging out with us? I'm sure it felt great when it backfired when she said "Sorry, I'm going to be spending the day with my friends." and hung up the phone.

Oh, but ladies and gentlemen, it get's better... Ohhhh yes it does...

This morning. This very fucking morning, in first period, Tina and Sally are complaining to my very very quiet friend, whom we'll call Laura, about how Beth and I were being completely unreasonable and bitchy over the weekend.

Suddenly, Laura stands up, her face completely red, and shouts, "SALLY YOU FUCKING BITCH. WHAT YOU DID TO BRIDGET WAS THE BITCHIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN YOU DONE. YOU MARCH YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER TO THAT GIRL AND YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME?"

God I love that girl..

Laura, you kick major ass, and I love you.

However, your efforts were sadly in vain..

Sally did not apologize. Instead, this happened.

I was at my locker, putting my stuff away, with my huge backpack on and my arms full of stuff, when I was tackled. My stuff flew all over the hallway, I was on the floor, and all I could hear was a shrill nasally shouting "BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" over and over again.
When I finally stood up and gathered everything together again and recovered from my heart attack, I saw Sally standing in front of me with this huge fake puppy dog pout and sad eyes.

She began to weave a basket of lies to hold all the bullshit that was spewing from her mouth.

"Obviously if I was talking about it while you were around, you were invited!"
"you clearly just weren't paying enough attention!"
"I don't get why you're so pissed, I called Beth first but she didn't answer the phoneee!"
(Which is a complete lie, by the way, she most certainly did not do that. We were standing next to each other when she called me. There is no missed call from Sally on Beth's phone. There is no record of her trying to call.)
"You should've comee! I wanted you there.."

There she was. Desperately trying to win. Trying to get me to make a scene. Trying to get me to leave so that she'd have one less girl to compete with for affection from the guys.

I smiled and said, "Sally, bud, if you want me to do something or go somewhere with you, you need to INVITE me."

She looked stunned, but then giggled, and then put on a sad face and sighed.

"Okay.. Here's the thing.. I didn't invite you because... well.. I didn't want you to have to sit on the floor by yourself when we were watching the movie!"




What.


The.


FUCK.



Considering she has the biggest house out of all of us, no. Considering it was 6 or 7 people there in total, no. Considering WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE THE ONE ON THE FLOOR ANYWAYS? Considering you just completely destroyed every lie you just worked on with an even shittier lie... No.

Just, no.



-

Bridget's words of wisdom for today:

If you're going to lie to someone, stick to your fucking story!


-Bridget

adults and bullying part 2

Was my thrilling story of standing up to authority in order to protect someone I cared about not enough for you? Well, since I'm a generous person, have some more!

What's the difference between 'bullying' and 'goofing around' in the eyes of an adult? I wish I knew. They change their goddamn minds every two minutes. When I was in fifth grade I was playing outside with my friend 'Charlie.' Remember Charlie? Yep. He's going to guest in another one of these stories.

We were playing in the woods near the elementary school, waiting for our parents. We were just goofing around and he picked up a large branch. He started swinging it around and he accidently left go and it hit me. All I got was a little scratch on my cheek below my eye. There was no blood. There was no scarring. It was just a little pink line. He apologized, I told him not to worry, and we kept playing.

When my mother questioned me about the little line on my cheek, I told her what happened. She. Flipped. Shit. Absolute shit! His parents were called, the principal (same principal from the other story, might I add.. ) was called, adults were going completely ape shit about a little pink line on my face.

I was pissed. This wasn't fair. He had already apologized, I wasn't hurt, there was no problem! And yet these adults were treating this as if he broke into my house, murdered my family, stole all our belongings, and permanently blinded me with acid and shark teeth!

Looking back on this after what went down two years ago, it really rubs me the wrong way. How is it that when two fifth graders have a tiny accident with a stick, everyone goes ballistic, but when there are serious problems afoot there is no one to be found. Charlie was my friend. He apologized, I forgave him. There was no issue whatsoever. But when Charlie is attacked, physically and verbally, Mr. Big Tough Scary Principal and all his little enforcement friends hand him a tissue, shut down the bathrooms, and then lie to a 13 year old's face through clenched teeth. The thought sickens me.

When faced with the problem of bullying, it's shit like this that makes kids NOT want to get help. What adults think is 'help' is just fuel for the bullies. It makes the target an even bigger target. Instead of having children running to adults, who will inevitably make it worse, did people ever think that maybe, just maybe, if we raised kids to be accepting and open minded that MAYBE, just fucking MAYBE, we wouldn't have such a big problem with bullying?

And maybe if you're a parent, you should look within yourself and try to see if maybe you're showing these kids that intolerance is acceptable. Are you homophobic? Are you racist? Sexist? Your children look up to you. They mirror what you do until they can figure it out for themselves. If you treat them like they are the center of the universe and everyone else is inferior, they cannot and will not accept anything less. They will be the ones who grow up to bully an innocent freshman for getting the lead in the musical, because how dare someone be more talented than they are. How dare someone be smarter, or a better dancer, or just a better fucking person. Unacceptable.

-

Bridget's words of wisdom for today..


They spend all this time and effort telling kids to be leaders, but if everyone is a leader, who's going to follow them?


-Bridget

adults and bullying

I have said this time and time again all throughout my life. When it comes to bullying adults make things worse. They do not understand the fact that bullying is not that one big tough kid beating up the weaker kid for lunch money. They do not understand that kids are smart and should be dealt with appropriately. Want an example? Lovely. How about a personal experience? 

Two years ago I had a friend, who, for this story, will be called Charlie. Charlie and I were friends on and off since third grade. We had years where we were pleasant, but kind of distant with each other, and years where we were very close. Two years ago we were having a very close year. This was the year when Charlie came out of the closet. Despite living in a very accepting community, there were some boys who were not exactly thrilled about this event. They were mean to Charlie. So mean, in fact, that Charlie was out of school for a week out of fear. When he returned he discovered that the boys had taken sharpies and wrote phrases such as "charlie is a massive fag" and "that faggot is gonna burn in hell." This broke my heart. They were attacking my friend, they were hurting him, and he was scared. That's when the faculty decided to get involved. The principal of the school decided that in response to writing on the bathroom walls, he should forbid my grade to use the bathrooms in our hallway. Instead, we were to go to the nurse's office and use the nurse's bathroom so we could be monitored. This went on for about two weeks. This was the only action being taken. No one was being perused, no one was getting in trouble, no one offered to help Charlie. None of the adults did anything except punish 100+ kids for something that a couple of homophobic ass hats decided to do. 

Yeah, as you can imagine, this didn't exactly fly with me.

Now, I had a very good relationship with the former superintendent of schools. So when he happened to see me walking down the hallway one day at school, he stopped me to chat. Things went a little something like this..

"Hello Bridget! How are you doing? How are things with school?"
"Oh.. School isn't going so well.."

"Really? Why is that?"
"..They didn't tell you? The gay bashing?"

"Oh. Well. Ahem. They obviously told me about this, but why don't you umm give me your perspective on the matter so I can uhh form uhh a better plan for um solving.. it.." 

So I told him exactly what was going on and how nothing was getting done about it and how mad I was about the entire situation. 

He smiled, shook my hand, thanked me for telling him my side of the story and informed me that he was going to be meeting with my principal in a few minutes and promised me that he would bring up my concerns and help get things dealt with. 

The next day my grade was called down into the auditorium for an "emergency assembly." The teachers refused tell us why, but it really didn't take a genius to figure it out. We filed into our seats, somehow magically forcing me to sit in the very front row. Then my principal stood up to speak. 

"Now.. I'm sure you're all wondering why you're here.."

I rolled my eyes. No, dipshit, we knew exactly why we were there. 

"You're here because there was a little problem with some people vandalizing the bathroom walls. And that's not okay. I know that you're all great kids with good hearts and you're all just so wonderful.."

Okay, at this point I was a little irritated. Homophobia is the same as a 'little problem?' Really? Was World War 2 the same as flipping the monopoly board when you're out of money?  

"But you have to understand! Closing the bathroom was not a "punishment"..."

What. 

The. 

Fuck. 

"I hope we all understand each other better now. Have a wonderful day, you're all so special.."

No.

No.

NO.

NOPE.

NUH HUH. 

When that man walked out of the auditorium and into the school lobby, I followed him. I marched right up to him, my fists and teeth clenched and face red. He smiled nervously and greeted me. And then this happened,

"What was that."

"What? I don't understand I was-"

"Do you have any idea what you're doing??"

"Excuse me? I just-"

"No. Stop. You are going to LISTEN to me for once. You are going to be the first adult 'authority figure' who is going to actually listen to a teenager because believe it or not, you are WRONG."

He was silent. He just nodded his head.

"You passed this off as nothing. Closing the bathroom was the punishment. And when parents came to you and told you that it was not only illegal to deny students bathroom rights, but also violates doctor-patient confidentiality laws by forcing 100+ students to use the nurse's office bathroom, you needed an explanation to keep everybody quiet. This was NOT a "little problem" do you understand me? This was bullying. This was homophobia. This was a cruel and hateful action against another student, another human being. And you passed this off as nothing."

He smiled this painfully forced smile and said "closing the bathroom was not a punishment.."

"YES IT WAS!" 

People were starting to stare at this point. 

"You did nothing to help an innocent person be in this so called "safe learning environment" which you seem so proud of. You want students to come to you with problems? Then you need to be prepared to actually do something about those problems. There is more to being the principal than this. You need to be able to keep the promises you make to students and their families, especially when a student is being treated as less than human do you understand me?"

He just kept smiling and said, "closing the bathroom was not a punishment.."

Fed up, I said good bye and I went home.

Two years later, the boys were never caught. Charlie went to a different school. He still thanks me for standing up for him, even if it didn't help. Because I at least did something.

-

Don't be the person to just stand there like an asshole. That makes you worse than the bully. That is unforgivable in my eyes. 

-Bridget

 

Boys

I know, I know. A girl on the internet is talking about boys? Oh god this is going to be a super cutesy post about how cute and lovely they are and blah blah blah..

Ha, no.

This isn't about the boys themselves, this is about teenage girls reacting to boys. Think of the scariest thing you can think of.. Yeah, boy crazy teenage girls is scarier. Trust me. You're reading the blog of a girl who wakes up on Saturday mornings and watches two gruesome or sketchy horror films on her laptop before getting bored and finally getting out of bed to eat a bowl of cereal like nothing happened. Teenage girls are, quite possibly, the scariest things in the universe.

This year, a couple of friends of mine have become boy crazy. And when I say boy crazy, I really mean psycho. Normally I wouldn't care, however, it's destroying friendships. In the beginning, I had a fairly large group of friends.

Suddenly, due to recent events, this large group has broken into three small groups of girls and one group of guys. The first group, though alright when combined with one or two other people, are mostly off in their own little world. The second group contains me, my oldest and closest friend who is really more of a sister, and two other girls. The third group is where the drama really breeds. The boys hang out with whomever they want, but are most often dragged kicking and screaming into the third group because the "leader" of the third group and the boy group are "dating".

I use the term "dating" very loosely considering A, they've never gone on a date. B, they don't talk unless forced. And C, the girl refuses to be alone with the boy. And yet they claim to be in a relationship.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

The third group creates drama where there is none by knowingly and willingly excluding specific members of other groups, just being generally bitchy, and excessively fawning over the boys to the point of embarrassment. Everyone loves a little ego fluffing, but there is a line. They lured the line into a dark alley and beat it with a metal pipe until it promised to stay out of their way.

If you have a burning desire to run across a beach into the arms of a partner, then so be it. That's wonderful. Four for you, Glenn Coco! You GO Glenn Coco! But if in order to find said partner, you effectively destroy ten friendships.. you might want to reevaluate your life choices. Believe it or not, there are many chances to find someone to date, but there are very few chances to fix a broken friendship. Especially in high school.

Don't do this. I never did anything to you.

I'm not interested in the boys you're interested in. I am not competition.

You are gorgeous and you do not need a sixteen year old boy to tell you that. For Christ's sake you're a fucking MODEL. If that is the only thing that will validate your self esteem, good luck in life.

Can we all just grow the fuck up?

I'm fifteen and I'm sick of being the only adult.

-Bridget

Alto problems

As far as I am aware, I have a halfway decent singing voice. I could be wrong though, you never know. I do know that I certainly have a powerful voice. Runs in the family, trust me on this. My sister blew out her microphone her freshman year of high school singing in the school musical. I went through three in sixth grade simply by speaking! When I did get to high school I thought that chorus would be a fun experience and a good chance to improve myself.

What I got was assigned to the back of the band room and despite discovering my baritone to soprano 1 range being trapped in the alto section constantly singing the sketchiest harmonies. Meanwhile a young man with the voice of, I shit you not, an angel sliding down a rainbow riding on a unicorn made of sunshine covered in honey and diamonds, but only while he sings in his natural soprano range, trapped in the tenor section because "he's a boy".

So what exactly are "alto problems", Bridget?

Well, person who doesn't exist because that would require someone actually reading this and asking said question...

...Forever Alone.

Alto problems are, but absolutely not limited to, the following,

• shitty harmonies
• being forgotten
• shitty harmonies
• unappreciated by the rest of the chorus
• really shitty harmonies
• being insecure because you don't sound high and pretty like a soprano
• pretty shitty harmonies
• being forced to sing the man part when your soprano friends want to sing a duet from a musical
• not wanting to audition for solos because so many sopranos want it
• oh what's that? you want me to sing harmony? GODDAMN IT NOT AGAIN
• not wanting to audition or not being able to audition for solos because the part is too high and your jerk of a music teacher is prejudice and wont let you sing it an octave lower BECAUSE REASONS
• really, really, REALLY, shitty harmonies
• and last, but not least, never having the melody NO MATTER WHAT. That shit is for sops and occasionally the "menfolk."  

There are a couple of advantages and perks to being an alto. Some of these include, 

• being able to pull a C, D, or F out of nowhere. You need a middle C to deactivate the bomb, Mr. President? Guys, guys.. I've got this..
• being able to sing lower than most of the guys
• having that cool note at the end which causes the final chord to suddenly change from major to minor (or vice versa) 
• Christmas carols and other religious music is EPIC
• Jazz? No problems here!
• ADELE. 'nuff said

One of these days, ladies and gentlemen... 

One of these days..

I shall lead an alto rebellion. 

One of these days...

In chorus...

When it's least expected.. 

The section shall take a stand.

WE WILL GET THE MELODY!!! 

...

Yeah probably not..

---

...

#altoproblems

-Bridget

"argumentative liberal bitch"

The school I attend recently had a 'mock election.' So, naturally, some of the classes this past week involved political debates. This included my honors world history class. 

Now, keep in mind, my class has thirty-three students, including myself. We have had clashes of opinions before, and they always get very messy very quickly. My history teacher, being fully aware of this fact, decided to start a discussion about morals during the very last three minutes of class. I happen to be a very passionate person, especially when it comes to my morals and beliefs. It was only second block, I was stressed out, and once this little bastard who unfortunately is part of my peer group and therefore I am associated with opened his big mouth and began spouting absolute bullshit about gay rights and women's rights and all sorts of things, I snapped. It went a little something like this,

"Why should we care about whether or not two men can get married?"

"HOW ABOUT BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING?"

There was silence for about 45 seconds before my classmates suddenly began clapping. It was your stereotypical slow clap scene. Even the classes next door who had heard me started cheering. 

Twitter exploded, I was getting hugs and messages all along the lines of "thank you" "you are my hero" and "thank god someone finally knocked that sick little fuck down a few pegs." 

I felt amazing! Like I was on a cloud. 

And then I received information from a friend of mine. Apparently, he had been ranting to his friends about how much of an "argumentative liberal bitch" I was. The thought still makes me laugh. 

-

The next day history was first block. I sat at my desk, playing iPad games, when suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the guy who sits behind me in class. I asked him what was wrong and he whispered, 

"..Are you okay?"

Slightly confused, I replied, "Uh yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"You're calm? There's not going to be any yelling, right?" He asked nervously. 

I kinda laughed. "No, there hopefully won't be any yelling. Why?"

He looked into my eyes and said in all seriousness, "Do you have any idea how far back I jumped when you started yelling? My head hit that wall-" he gestured to the back wall which is about 4-5 feet behind his desk. 

I apologized and returned to my game. 

My conservative teacher came in and restarted the discussion where we left off, and was having a very pleasant chat with the loudmouth from yesterday while I sat at my desk, staring off into space, not getting involved. 

Suddenly I was bombarded with iPad messages and tweets from members of my class.

"Why aren't you doing anything?"

"Bridget why are you just sitting there??"

"BRIDGET GURL WTF R U DOING"

"Why are you letting him say all that shit??"

"Get involved, please!"

I chuckled to myself, and replied back to all of them with the same response.

"I yelled at him yesterday. He's still spouting the exact same bullshit. Clearly I had no effect on him. Why should I waste my time and energy on a person who will never change their ways?"

However, my teacher would constantly make little snide comments while the discussion was going on.

"A special thanks to the five people ACTUALLY participating.."  *stare at Bridget until she says something*

Yeah no.

"It's so nice to hear one opinion but how about a different one?" *stare at Bridget until she says something*

Nope.

"We should have discussions like these more often. It's always good to get involved" *stare at Bridget until she says something*

I finally looked up at him and said, "Do you really want me to participate right now? Were you not here yesterday?"

Thankfully the bell rang before he could try to call me out for my sass. I was the first one out the door.

-

I will now leave you with this story as supporting evidence to the fact that I am a sassy bitch.

-Bridget

Hello, world!

My name is Bridget, and I'm trying to make sense of the world. It's hard, whether you like to think so or not. This goal will most likely never be accomplished because of the constant changes one has to live with.

Tonight is the U.S presidential election. This is one of, if not the most important political motions in the world.  If you are going to read this blog, you need to know a few things right off the bat. They need to be originally stated in this first post so you can make an informed decision right here and now about whether or not to keep reading.

• I am a democrat.
• I am a very strong liberal. 
• I am pro-choice.
• I support gay marriage.
• I am an atheist.

These are facts about me, and they will never change. If you find any of these offensive to you, then kindly leave. No one should be condemned because of what they believe in. I won't condemn you if you do not condemn me. However, should you desire to have a rousing debate, I'm all for it. 

You might be curious as to why I feel this way. Many of these, if not all, will most likely become their own posts as time goes on, but I will give you an abridged statement for each.

I am a strong liberal because I believe that we are all the same thing, different.

I am pro-choice because every woman should be allowed to control their own body.

I support gay marriage because it is a basic human right.

I am an atheist because I don't believe in any god. Simple as that.

I am a democrat because it happens to be the political party I most relate to. 

Now that I've stated this, you should understand that just because I have these opinions does not mean that I am intolerant towards yours. If you're conservative, wonderful. If you're pro-life, that's great. If you're religious, I won't try to change you if you don't try to change me. If you're republican, I don't mind as long as you are a nice person. I will never say that your opinion is wrong. I will say that facts you produce are wrong if they are, in fact, invalid. That being said, there is one exception. If you're homophobic I am disappointed in you. There is NO reason for believing someone is less human because of who they love. 

I will leave you all tonight with a few words of wisdom,

Be informed. Do research. Form your OWN opinion. Be an individual. If you don't agree with something, if you know something is wrong, fight against it! You, as a human being, have the power to change so much. 

Have fun voting, ladies and gentlemen. 

-Bridget